It has been a…

 

It has been an interesting couple of days. I had another CT yesterday. Matt came with me even though I told him multiple times he didn’t have to. He can always lighten the mood, especially he knows how frightened I am. With the pancreas surgery, the multiple ER visits, and the emergency splenectomy I have a horrible phobia of the hospital. My small veins do not do me any favors and make any IV insertion a horrible experience.

The CT revealed that I still have a fluid collection from my pancreas surgery in December, which means I will have to keep the drain in another 2 weeks. While we were waiting to hear the bad news Matt had fun creating a chicken out of a towel. You either hate us or love us.

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It was a good day after that, matt knew I was disappointed about the drains. I have had them in for a month now and it is just a pain to keep them.  We spent the rest of the day running errands and a night snuggled up on the couch which I believe there is nothing better.

Today, Matt left for work and I got a phone call a few hours later. He asked if I was home, and suddenly my heart was in my throat. He said I suddenly had my chance, “My chance for what? Whats wrong?” He told me he blew out his back.  In that moment nothing else mattered. He has been taking care of me for months now and in that instant nothing else in the world mattered but him.

Things have been so up in the air the last few weeks. I have to get back to work soon, one of my jobs tomorrow, and I’m scared. I’m scared of my relationship changing with matt because I’m not sure he will be staying here any more since I’m not exactly sick any more. I worry a lot it’s a problem. Something about me being able to take care of him, him allowing me to take care of him settles some of my fears.

I know life has a way of working its self out everything has been so hard over the last couple years I just want them to work out (I would say the right way, but I look back and know everything happens for a reason) I just want to hang on to happiness for a while. I want my significant other to feel better, I want to feel better and I want to live life for a while.

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Expectations and Headbands

Expectations and Headbands

As a child I grew up with Snow White, and Beauty and the Beast. The flawlessness of their lives was what attracted me to their stories. They had seamlessly obtained happiness through that faultless man they had in their life and the life that came with it.

Growing up, I knew prince charming didn’t exist. I also knew the realities of a relationship were nowhere as easy as those impeccable princesses portrayed. Even though I knew these things, society had somehow snuck its expectations deep into my thoughts and actions. I had that deceptive perfection, a house, a marriage, and the things that came after were surly on the way. Guess what? Society’s expectations are wrong, plain and simple.

After my divorce I had many moments I would like to call temper tantrums. “This is not my life! This is not how it was supposed to happen. I should still have my house, I should still have my dog, and maybe that guy that came with it.”  After my brief moment of insanity I reminded myself I left for a reason. Life’s expectations do not meet my own expectations, and did not result in happiness.

Happiness is such a funny thing. Since readjusting my expectations I discover pleasure in the small things. It isn’t the roses or jewelry that makes me happy. I don’t need a mansion or a lavish car. What I need is time, thought, and consideration. I need moments like this morning to bring joy and excitement to my life.

It was an odd morning. I’m not sure the snooze button was used once (most morning there is a full hour cycle of snoozes((not by my doing I assure you)). The significant other and I awoke in a surprisingly cheerful mood. He played with the cats as I pretended to bake something intricate in the kitchen. Suddenly, one of my headbands zipped by my face and I couldn’t hold back the noise of shock that escaped my lips. GAME ON, I thought reaching for the head band and quickly shooting it back at him. The next few moments were filled with chasing each other about my studio apartment, jumping on furniture, smashing my ankle into the chair, and falling into his arms in hugs and laughter. Take your store bought gifts and your expectations, I chose moments like this to fill my life.

The First

I once read a book on blogging. It said no matter how many blogs you make your first post is basically always going to be rubbish. I am a firm believer of that. Should I jump in and start explaining my life? Should I keep it short and sweet to keep from boring the possible audience members? I’m unaware of an effective way of doing this so I say go check out the About section, because I’m going to jump in.

I’m a mere 24 years old, yet I feel like an old woman. I was married to my high school sweetheart. In hindsight, sweetheart is a fairly good word for what that relationship was. I was too young to know what that illusive thing called LOVE truly was. Sure, I knew it wasn’t a fairy tale, but I didn’t know the mechanics to it. After ten years of being together, a year of attempting to become pregnant and eventually losing the baby, we got a divorce.

Today, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, yet I’m scared to death. No one explained to me that this was what love was really like. Most days, I feel like I’m trying to maneuver about a dark room, I am walking slowly hands held in front for protection, yet I keep running into things. How frustrating. One wrong step and I could lose it all (ok it probably wouldn’t happen just like that, but you know what I mean.) I didn’t learn how to love the first time around, and didn’t expect it to happen to me now…

My mother is dying, yet she has been my entire life. That is a different story for a different post. I have recently had some major surgeries. I am working two jobs to afford my shoebox and my frivolous spending habits (wait those stopped after the divorce.) I am going to school to get an English degree, for what? I have no idea… Clarity would be an appreciated gift at this point in my life, but I don’t expect it to appear any time soon.

This is not a blog to whine and complain. That doesn’t get you anywhere in life. It is a blog to tell my story, because if I can help someone get through some of the things I have experienced, If I can make any sense of it all, then it will all be worth it.